


Can't Go Back

by Kuji (Amqersand)



Category: Hello! Project, Morning Musume.
Genre: Angst, F/F, rokkies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-12
Updated: 2010-01-12
Packaged: 2017-12-22 20:16:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amqersand/pseuds/Kuji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sayumi, sorting through a box of memories, reflects on the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Go Back

_I will never forget you ever…_

Sayumi was packing up the last few things that remained in her room in her Tokyo apartment. Most of her clothes and valuables had been boxed and sent ahead already and all that remained were items tucked in corners and the backs of closets that she wasn’t sure about whether she should keep or throw away. She smiled as she came across an old, small-sized towel blanket that she couldn’t sleep without when she was younger that was at the bottom of one of her larger dresser drawers. Even when she had outgrown it she hadn’t been able to bear throwing it away. Deciding that she still couldn’t bear to get rid of it, she took it out to put in the ‘to keep’ pile. That was when she saw that beneath it lay a medium sized wooden box – a keepsake box.  
  
Inside the box were an assortment of envelopes and postcards as well as purikura and small trinkets such as phone straps and cute gashapon toys. Lying at the bottom beneath all these items was a CD. It was _‘Shabondama’_ , the first single for her, Eri and Reina. She remembered going to a record store with Reina and Eri when it first went on sale, wanting to see people buy it – Mikitty didn’t want to come, it hadn’t been _her_ first single after all.  
  
Of course they had disguised themselves and did their best to look inconspicuous. It made her smile as she remembered it now, actually their disguises bordered from ridiculous to just really bad. They had been very lucky that no one figured it out, especially when they tittered excitedly to each other with speculation every time someone neared their section or promotional corner. Good thing it hadn’t taken too long for someone to make their purchase and give the girls the satisfaction they had come for. Then Sayumi, in a moment of audacity went to pick up a CD and paid for it at the counter as well. Half to her consternation and half to her relief, the bored store clerk rang up her purchase without even much looking at her face and there had been no surprise or recognition. Well, at least that was one more for Oricon.  
  
Following that single and all the ones after, the three of them became better friends. She and Reina got along well and had a lot of fun but Eri was special and soon came to be her best friend. The two of them just hit it off and there was no one else that Sayumi would rather spend her time with. Slowly but surely her feelings for the other girl grew. Sayumi loved Eri when she was the quiet and shy girl that surprised everyone with her dancing that was attention grabbing and confident. She adored the silly side of her that played all those strange roles on their television show and she couldn’t resist the cutely lazy and air-headed side that the other girl had become comfortable enough to reveal. But Sayumi could never tell the turtle any of this because Eri had already chosen the other person in their trio to be with.  
  
It was okay… At least, Sayumi thought it would be. The three of them could still be friends and still have fun together regardless. It was enough for her to see Eri all the time even if it hurt when she hugged Reina or held onto the shorter girl’s arm and not hers. She didn’t hate Reina for being the one Eri wanted either, even though there were times when resentment would well up in her heart. She always pushed those feelings back. After all, she loved Reina too, even if it was only as a friend. Her heart worked hard balancing between loving Eri too much and hate born of jealousy for Reina as she felt both had no place there.  
  
It was because of her own complicated and sometimes conflicting feelings that she never noticed when things between the three of them started to shift and change. Of course because Eri and Reina were dating, there were many times when the two would go out without her. As time went by though, these occasions lessened but Sayumi failed to notice the reason why. Eri was no less eager to spend alone time with Reina but Reina would suggest they invite Sayumi along for various reasons. Such as feeling guilty for leaving the bunny behind or because where they were going was of particular interest to the other girl. Things went on like this for awhile but then the day came when everything unravelled.  
  


_My feelings don’t reach you…_

  
The three of them were walking to the train station from the restaurant where they had eaten dinner after watching a stage play together. It was pretty windy and the temperature had dropped a good amount now that it was so late in the evening so despite their coats, jackets and scarves, the girls had their arms looped through each others and huddled together as they walked to keep warm.  
  
“Thanks for inviting me along today, Eririn, I’ve been wanting to see that play since Ai-chan mentioned it. It was really interesting!”  
  
“Ah, it was Reina who remembered that you wanted to see it when I told her about it.”  
  
Sayu gave Reina a friendly bump with her shoulder, “In that case, thanks Reina.”  
  
“No problem… Oi, Sayu, hold still for a moment.” The so-called yankii unhooked her arm from Eri’s.  Detached from her girlfriend who had been on her other side, Reina took off her glove to delicately wipe her thumb just under Sayumi’s eye, her warm hand lingering just a moment longer on the taller girl’s wind cooled cheek before pulling away slowly. “You had an eyelash there,” she said while still looking intently at Sayumi.  
  
Eri only looked at the two of them strangely while feeling the loss of warmth from where Reina’s arm had been. Finally she cleared her throat and bumped shoulders with Reina as her best friend had just done earlier.  
  
“Come on, I’m cold! Did you two freeze into human popsicles already? Let’s go!”  
  
The other two laughingly shook their heads and they went to catch the train.  
  
On the train, self-proclaimed ‘ichiban kawaii’ girl, because of having had to wake up for an early job that morning, couldn’t help but be lulled by the low rumbling motion of the train into a light slumber while her head rested on the shoulder of her best friend whom she assumed would be joining her in sleep very soon since the older girl could and would sleep anywhere. However, it was an undeterminable time later that she awoke because that pillowing shoulder moved itself away from her. Not moving and only opening her eyes the tiniest bit, she noticed that Reina and Eri had slid to the other end of the long train seat. The two were talking softly and she couldn’t make out what they were saying over the rattling and rumbling of the train but Eri was getting increasingly agitated and gestured angrily with her hands, at one point grabbing onto Reina’s shoulders.  
  


_Don’t play with my heart…_

  
“At least give me a reason why you’re breaking up with me!” Eri whispered harshly. Of all places Reina had to do it, it would be while they were in a very public train car. It was a small blessing that there were very few people in the car with them so late in the evening and what was more, most of them were otherwise preoccupied, some dozing away like their friend and others listening to music players or playing with portable gaming consoles with headphones on or buds stuck in their ears that blocked out the quiet but heated conversation between the two girls.  
  
“Eri… I love you but it’s only as a friend.” Reina tried to loosen Eri’s grip on her shoulder but the other girl was surprisingly strong and struggling too much would only draw attention to them.  
  
“That’s not a reason. If that’s the reason then why didn’t you reject me right in the beginning? Do you like someone else now, in that way so that’s why you’re telling me this?”  
  
Immediately Reina looked ashamed and Eri knew she’d hit the nail on the head and it hurt so much that she had to choke down a sob. She released her girlfriend’s… or was that ex-girlfriend’s? She released Reina’s shoulders only to clench her hands into fists at her side.  
  
“Who?” She needed to know. Reina shook her head in refusal to tell but less than a second before the announcement of their stop came over the speakers, her eyes darted  quickly to Sayumi before she caught herself and looked away and things clicked in place in Eri’s mind.  
  
“I’ll leave you to wake her.” Eri picked up her bag and when Reina tried to stop her from leaving she pushed Reina who fell back down against the seat. There was nothing Reina could possibly say that would make things okay. She dashed out the just opening doors, leaving Reina and Sayumi behind.  
  
Sayumi hadn’t meant to watch and it hadn’t been her intention to spy on them and so to avoid awkwardness, when Reina had come to rouse her and inform her that they had reached their stop, she pretended that she had been asleep the whole time. To her shock, Reina informed her that she and Eri had had a fight and they’d broken up.  
  


_I still want to see you even now…_

  
The next day at work, Eri avoided her two fellow sixth gen members at all costs. Reina let her be but Sayumi tried the whole day to get her best friend to talk to her. She could never get Eri alone though, as the other girl had attached herself to their sub-leader like a limpet and from there shooting her and Reina venomous looks all day.  
  
Finally when Ai had extricated Risa from Morning Musume’s “middle manager” for something, Sayumi saw her chance. She cornered the older girl just as she was the dance studio after a private consultation with the dance choreographer. The narrow hallway with its worn green carpeting and frequent passerbys wasn’t the best place for a confrontation but Sayumi didn’t care anymore, she just wanted to find out why her best friend was ignoring her.  
  
“Eri, talk to me! I know you’re hurt over what happened with Reina but I’m your best friend.”  
  
“Are you?” Eri asked sharply, “Because if you were you wouldn’t have stolen Reina from me.”  
  
“What did you say?” The often pig-tailed girl was shocked by Eri’s accusation. Her together with Reina? No, if anything she would have stolen Eri away from Reina. It didn’t make sense at all. It must be some sort of misunderstanding.  
  
“You heard me. You are not my best friend so just leave me alone.” Eri pushed past the taller girl and continued on her way, leaving Sayumi to put together the pieces of information she had received.   
  
Leaning her back against the wall, Sayumi slid until she was seated and hugged her legs to her chest with a shuddering breath. She could feel tears prickling the undersides of her eyelids even as she blinked them back. It wasn’t enough that she couldn’t have Eri because she loved Reina, now Eri had to hate her too?  She heard footsteps heading in her direction and even though she knew she should move and that an idol shouldn’t be found slumped over, red-eyed in a hallway, she couldn’t muster the will to get up. Maybe it was Eri coming back. Maybe Eri would tell her she realized it wasn’t Sayu’s fault and Sayu was still her best friend.  
  


_I want you to love me…_

  
“Sayu!” That voice, it wasn’t Eri’s.  
  
Reina ran over to the visibly distraught girl, crouching down beside her.  
  
“Sayu, what are you doing on the floor like that? Come on, get up! Let’s at least get you out of the hallway.”  
  
Sayumi was in no shape to refuse as the smaller girl showed surprising strength pulling her up and headed with her straight out the closest exit. They ended up in a small café’s corner booth where they could have some small ounce of privacy once drinks had been ordered and served. At Reina’s urging, Sayumi began to talk.  
  
“Eri told me that I’m the reason you two broke up. She hates me even though it’s not my fault. I’ve never liked you that way and even if I did I wouldn’t do anything to get between you two, I wouldn’t do that to my best friend.” Sayumi explained all this in a despondent monotone, staring into her steaming lemon tea and so missing the quick grimace Reina showed at the end of the explanation.  
  
“Sayu, please look at me.”  
  
Reina waited until their eyes met before she continued, “It’s not your fault but you are the reason. I like you. I think I might have fallen in love with you.”  
  
Sayumi was too shocked to move and misinterpreting her non-reaction as acceptance, Reina leaned forward across the table to kiss the girl she had been admiring all this while. Seeing Reina’s face so quickly closing the distance between them, Sayumi reacted based on instinct and turned her face away so that the other girl’s lips only met her cheek.  
  
“Reina… don’t.”  With a gentle hand on the other girl’s shoulder she pushed her away. So she really was the reason why her friends had broken up, Sayumi realized. “This is… too much.”  
  
Struggling with her purse, she hastily dumped what she was sure would cover her drink  and even the other’s mocha latte onto the table before fleeing, leaving Reina once more calling after a girl would not turn back.  
  


_You’re still in my heart…_

  
Eri was really glad that she was twenty. It meant she was allowed to drink to her hearts content. Even though she wasn’t a big fan of what would be called the hard stuff, tonight was an exception because it was the easiest way to forget. Downing another shot of what looked like water but burned like fire going down her throat, she slammed the glass rather indelicately against the bar table to demand another.  
  
The bartender cast a disapproving glance in her direction but slid another over. However, before she could grab the glass, another hand shot out and pulled it from her reach.  
  
“Hey, that’s mine. Get yer own!” The idol growled.  
  
“Eri, you’ve had enough. Stop this.”  
  
Surprisingly for the new arrival, Eri just started laughing. Laughing so hard that she was slamming her hands on the table, laughing so hard she was crying.  
  
“This is just great, priceless. So you’re not just stealing my girlfriend anymore, huh? You’re stealing my drinks too? What next Sayu? What more do you want to take from me!”  
  
She yelled had so loudly that many patrons looked their way and Sayumi was starting to get nervous about ending up in the next day’s gossip magazines.  
  
“Calm down!” Sayumi hissed this while settling on the stool beside Eri and ducking her head. “What do I have to do so you’ll just listen to me?”  
  
Eri waved to the bartender before mouthing something and holding up one finger. A nod of acknowledgement later and the man soon slid to their side of the bar with a circular tray filled with shot glasses that were just like the one Sayumi had intercepted earlier. There were one dozen in all.  
  
“Drink all of these and then we’ll talk.” Eri stated with startling sobriety all of a sudden.  
  
Sayumi had a low tolerance and little love for alcohol, Eri knew this. Drinking even half of them would probably have the younger girl throwing up her guts all of the next morning.  
  
“Well?” Eri prompted, sure that she would soon be left alone again.  
  
Instead of leaving though, Sayumi picked up the shot glass and quickly downed the alcohol, her face scrunching up even more than when it ever had for their penalty game drinks. From the second drink, Sayumi could already feel that her cheeks were getting hot and she knew her face was going red from the alcohol but she still reached for another. She just hoped that she could still speak coherently when time came to explain things to Eri. Things started getting blurry around after the fifth shot.  
  
The next thing she knew Sayumi was waking up in a strange bed and a ceiling she didn’t recognize. Not that she had time to think about that as she felt her stomach rebel and she leaned over the side of the bed to find a conveniently placed trash can to heave her insides into.  
  
“Whoa easy there!” Footsteps muffled by a carpeted floor padded over and Sayumi felt her hair being held back and she could feel a hand rubbing against her back in soothing circles. Her aching head was still throbbing and the blinding sunlight shining through the windows only made it worse and forced her to squint so that she could slowly get used to it.  
  
“Eri?”  She’d passed out from the alcohol and might be having the worst hangover of her life but at least it would have been worth it if Eri was speaking to her again.  
  
“Sayu, it’s not Eri, it’s Risa. Ai and I got a call from Kame last night telling us that we’d better come get you if we didn’t want ‘Morning Musume: a drunk mess’ to be in the headlines today. What the hell were you thinking?”  
  
So that was how it was. Eri didn’t even care beyond what it meant to them as a group when Sayumi had passed out last night and of course that would be the responsibility of the leader and sub-leader. Things between her and Reina were still messy at best as there was no way she could reciprocate the girl’s feelings. She didn’t know how she was supposed to face either of them.  
  
After that, though Sayumi made several more attempts and mending things with Eri, none of them ever worked out. Reina never gave up either which only made things worse. At last the tension affected their group so much that something had to be done. That was why Michishige Sayumi graduated from Morning Musume.  
  


_If you love me let me fly away…_

  
Sayumi sealed the final box and wiped her hands down the  front of her jeans, getting rid of the dust that had settled on them. She  opened her cellphone where a picture of herself, Eri and Reina smiled at her  from its place as the wallpaper. Following a couple of beeps it was deleted and  replaced by the simple default background. She didn’t need the picture because  she doubted she would ever forget the memories she’d made.


End file.
